Friday, October 21, 2011

My Big Realization

It wasn’t until I went to college that I started to realize that what happened with David wasn’t right. I’m not sure what it was. Maybe being away from him, maybe being out of Benton, maybe the fact that those two things didn’t stop him from trying to continue our relationship.

After my first year of college, my girlfriend and I were engaged. When I told David, he began the process of readying me sexually for marriage. Long, detailed talks of technique, of what it would be like, of every detail imaginable, all culminated in one big event. It was this big final event that made me finally realize what was really going on.

The summer my wife and I were engaged, David came and picked me up to go take a drive (which always meant more than just driving). We drove out to a cabin on a private lake. Once there, he produced a latex vagina. He went to great lengths to explain anatomy, and what it would be like the first time. After this conversation, he whipped out his trust and ever present bottle of lube and, in order to create as realistic a scenario as he could, he squeezed the walls of the vagina shut and had me enter it. He then shoved the vagina into a couch cushion and told me to try it.

As I knelt in front of that green couch with the small print patter, I turned and glanced back at him. It was at that very moment that I realized this was about (and for) him. He had spent years convincing me that it was about me…that it was for my benefit. And I believed it for many years. When I looked at him that night, however, it was like I was watching someone enjoy the culmination of his life’s work. The look on his face was not concern, it was not helpful. He was, with his own penis out and masturbating, watching me. He wasn’t checking my technique, he was taking pleasure in what he was seeing.

For the first time in years, I saw the abuse for exactly what it was. This was the only time in those years that I felt gross, dirty, or guilty about the acts committed with David. From that point forward, I never allowed it to occur again.

David’s influence still held strong, however. He was a big part of the planning of my wedding. We still took fishing trips, but I always had an excuse not to visit goober heaven. And we still attended First Baptist.


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