Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Just Push the Button

It's been a while. I honestly don't know what I'm going to write as I begin typing, I just feel the need to do it. Over the past couple of years this blog has been a source of an immense amount of love and encouragement for me. Maybe a little heartache too. Some of the things I've written here are hard for me to go back and read. Some of the comments that were made (and deleted) are hard for me to think about. Even some of the positive things that were written can be difficult to read.

So much about my life is different now from when I first began this blog. So much about my life hasn't changed in the least. I continue to heal. Or to try to heal, I guess. That's probably all I can do at this point. I've changed careers. I've changed work communities. I've lost a lot of friends and quite a bit of respect. I still feel the heartache and hurt every day of what happened. I feel the heartache and hurt every day of the mistakes I've made over the last year. In many ways, I learned what its like to create victims and feel remorse for it. Not victims of sexual abuse, but victims of misplaced trust. There are things we can't take back. Words and actions that can't be erased. I've never really been able to figure out how to forgive David, and now I get to add to that figuring out how to forgive myself.

The question I most often ask of myself is "where has God been in all of this?" At what point do I catch a break? At what point does life quit pissing all over me? And what God allows this to happen? I used to find inspiration from people of great faith. Now I find jealousy for those people. I want what they have. I remember what it was like to have that. I had blind faith...the faith of a child...wrapped up. In the bank. But the second my eyes were opened by hurt I lost every ounce of faith I'd ever been able to muster and I haven't gotten it back since.

This is the first blog post I've written where I've been nervous about hitting the "publish" button. At this point, many of you know who I am. While I haven't posted my name on here, I've never really tried to hide who I was. I've also never really gone this deep into the warped inner workings of my mind. I guess the bottom line is that I'm not writing this for people to thing good things about me. I'm not writing it for anyone's approval or encouragement or prayers. I'm writing it because the process of not just putting my thoughts on paper, but of putting them out there for other victims to read and be able to identify with is therapeutic for me. And as few things as I've found to be therapeutic for me, I guess I should probably hold onto the ones I have.