I've given myself some time to process the whole experience of speaking at the parole hearing. Overall, it was a positive, healing experience for me. In the last 4 years there have been several instances that I feel like I passed up critical, crucial opportunities where I could have spoken up and affected an outcome in one way or another. I couldn't allow another one of those opportunities to pass by.
As I was trying to decide whether I wanted to go speak in front of the board or not, there was one specific even that I kept coming back to, and something that haunted me until I stood in front of the Parole Board. I couldn't get out of my head the meeting with Rick, Dennis and David. I couldn't get past the feelings I felt every time I thought of that one moment when I could've spoken up and prevented another six months of abuse from occurring at FBC. When I stood in front of the Parole Board, the first thing I said was that I honestly had no idea what I was going to say to them. I walked into the room not knowing what I was going to say. I walked up to the podium not knowing what I was going to say. The one thing I did know was that I was not going to pass up another opportunity to try and prevent more abuse from happening.
I explained to the Parole Board my specific reason (beyond healing for me) that I was speaking to them. It had nothing to do with justice, revenge, or vindication. There is nothing that can make me feel like justice has been served for what David did. The things I struggle with every day are there whether David is in jail or not. David staying in jail or being released is not going to make anything easier or more difficult for me to deal with. While the act of speaking in front of the Parole Board may have been a healing experience for me, there is no healing for me if David remains incarcerated. The sole reason David needs to remain in prison is to prevent him from abusing someone else. Given David's lack of remorse, his lengthy pattern of offending, and his ability to keep his actions hidden for long periods of time, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that when he is released, he will abuse again.
I failed myself and many other boys both by waiting to come forward, and by not pushing the issue with FBC. That's something I've dealt with and come to grips with. I know, as I've said before, that I did what I did when I could do it. My only hope is that by being able to be honest both with myself and the Parole Board, that something can take place to keep David incarcerated for as long as possible. If not, I can deal with that because I know that I did everything in my power to keep him where he belongs.
Thank you for the prayers and thoughts on the 24th. They were felt. I wouldn't have been able to say the things I said without them. God was definitely with me. The Parole Board will announce its decision on January 31st.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
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4 comments:
MAY GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU ALL THE DAYS OF YOUR LIFE
I continue to be amazed and proud of the courage and strength you've shown through all of this. You could have simply stayed in the shadows which is where David certainly wanted all of his victims to stay. But you stepped out, and said "No, I have a voice." And you're using that voice to let it be known the crimes that David did and how horribly FBC handled this situation. As one survivor of sexual abuse to another, I thank you for what you've done and are continuing to do. You will never know how many others thank you for that as well. Godspeed to you.
Bo
God bless you as you continue to heal. I have been encouraged by your blog and want to encourage you to keep on doing what you need to do each day.
I am so glad to see you doing this, and that you are a strong individual that has the courage to stand your ground!! Breaking the silence is the first step to recovery. You are a true inspiration.
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