Friday, December 9, 2011

Someone Does What I (legally) Could Not

The next few weeks were surprisingly quiet. I was obviously dealing with an overwhelming amount of emotion, ranging some days from sever, don't want to get out of bed depression to something resembling normalcy, to extreme anger. Some days I felt like I was trying to swim through a whirlpool, and that any split second loss of control would suck me down forever. Ok, maybe I felt like that most days. One of the most difficult things for me was that no matter how extreme and how negative the emotions were that I was feeling, I felt completely justified in feeling (and acting/reacting accordingly) that way.

There were (and sometimes still are) days where I either didn't or refused to realize how my words and actions affected those around me. I became completely and totally engrossed with myself and my problems. I know without a doubt that during this time I lost friends and caused damage to friendships and relationships with family members that will never be fixed. One of the hardest things to do is to realize that what has happened has happened. Try and fix the things you can, make amends with the people you can, and let the rest of it go.

As an adult survivor of childhood abuse, letting go in general is one of the most difficult things for me to figure out. I spent years hiding, compartmentalizing, and pretending my abuse didn't happen. I don't think anything could be more opposite of "letting go". In order to hide something as deeply as I hid my abuse, I couldn't let it go.

Several weeks after David was fired from FBC, I received a phone call from a friend strongly recommending that I watch the evening news, that David was being arrested that day. I couldn't believe it. Because I had waited so long to talk about my abuse, what David did to me was outside the five year statute of limitations in the state of Arkansas. That means that no matter how heinous, how life altering David's acts were, because I waited longer than the law thought I should've, nothing that happened to me will ever be criminally actionable (unless, of course, the statute of limitations is repealed).

That meant that someone young enough had come forward and reported being abused by David. As the investigation progressed, it turned out that 3 people had come forward. I still don't know who those 3 people are, but I don't know if I could admire anyone more. They are my heroes. I can't imagine having the strength at that age to come forward with the awful things that happened to us.

David was arrested and charged with 54 counts of sexual indecency with a child. As the investigation moved forward, detectives spread the word that they wished to talk with any victim of David's, no matter how old. I immediately came forward and spoke with two detectives with the Saline County Sheriff's Department. I'm not sure the reason. Whether it was because they were strangers, or because I'd had more time to heal, or because I felt like I had nothing else to prove at that point, but I felt more comfortable telling my story and answering questions for those two detectives in an interrogation room than I had ever felt sitting in Rick's office the months before.


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