Monday, September 19, 2011

The Beginning

As an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, there are countless issues I deal with on a daily basis.  Just one of those is the fact that on many days I still feel completely without a voice, totally unheard.  Because my abuser also happened to be a minister at the church I attended, there are still many people to this day who either don't believe that it happened, or don't want to hear about it.  That is the driving force behind this blog, to provide me with an outlet to express, in some sort of public way, both my story (the past), and the constant issues I continue to struggly with as a survivor (the present).

I imagine the structure of the blog beginning with a chronological telling of my story (and the story of dozens of other victims of the same abuser), with some current struggles and issues thrown in as they arise.  Obviously, as the story of my abuse comes to an end, my current issues will become the main meat of my writings (or ramblings, who knows).

I also feel like the title of the blog requires a bit of explanation.  The darkest part of my life was also, spiritually at least, the highest point of my life.  I felt closer to God, and closer to many of the people in my life, than I ever had before, and ever have since.  In order to deal with my abuse, I have in a sense had to descend from that time in my life.  In many ways, I also feel like I had to descend deeper into the darkness and madness of my abuse in order to escape it.  For several years as an adult, I chose to lock away the abuse I suffered, not even allowing myself the realization that what happened to me was abuse.  It was much easier to ignore, even attending the same church where the abuse occurred, where the music was led by the same minister who was my abuser.  As I finally began to wrestle with what happened to me, I forced myself to unlock the box containing those events and descend into that darkness as a means to finally begin to rid myself of it alltogether.

I may be the only one that ever reads this blog.  If so, that's fine.  It's the outlet I need, not the recognition.  If I do end up helping someone, so be it.

If you are reading this, thanks for your time.  I know that what I will write here won't always be easy or fun to read, but it's necessary for me.


Post a Comment