I've tried not to share things others have written too often. Maybe its some sort of writing snobbery, wanting what I post to be mine alone. However, I occasionally read something that hits me so hard that it needs to be shared. The post linked below is just that. I read it twice sitting in my office. It's just what I needed to read, when I needed to read it. Christa is obviously a talented writer, but the fact that she knows EXACTLY what clergy abuse survivors have and are going through makes all the difference in the world.
"Be Gentle With Yourself"
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Some Information That Might Be Helpful
SNAP (the Survivors Network for those Abused by Priests) is a national organization focused on preventing and drawing attention to clergy sexual abuse and the recovery of those abused by clergy. On Wednesday, September 11, 2013, they will hold a confidential support meeting in Little Rock, Arkansas. Please see the link below for more information.
Information on SNAP Support Meeting
I've had contact with several members and staff of SNAP over the last few years, including their chapter focused on abuse within the Southern Baptist community (found here). They have been nothing but supportive and understanding.
If you are in the Central Arkansas area and have personally struggled with, or watched family members or close friends struggle with clergy abuse issues, you should seriously think about attending.
Information on SNAP Support Meeting
I've had contact with several members and staff of SNAP over the last few years, including their chapter focused on abuse within the Southern Baptist community (found here). They have been nothing but supportive and understanding.
If you are in the Central Arkansas area and have personally struggled with, or watched family members or close friends struggle with clergy abuse issues, you should seriously think about attending.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Just Push the Button
It's been a while. I honestly don't know what I'm going to write as I begin typing, I just feel the need to do it. Over the past couple of years this blog has been a source of an immense amount of love and encouragement for me. Maybe a little heartache too. Some of the things I've written here are hard for me to go back and read. Some of the comments that were made (and deleted) are hard for me to think about. Even some of the positive things that were written can be difficult to read.
So much about my life is different now from when I first began this blog. So much about my life hasn't changed in the least. I continue to heal. Or to try to heal, I guess. That's probably all I can do at this point. I've changed careers. I've changed work communities. I've lost a lot of friends and quite a bit of respect. I still feel the heartache and hurt every day of what happened. I feel the heartache and hurt every day of the mistakes I've made over the last year. In many ways, I learned what its like to create victims and feel remorse for it. Not victims of sexual abuse, but victims of misplaced trust. There are things we can't take back. Words and actions that can't be erased. I've never really been able to figure out how to forgive David, and now I get to add to that figuring out how to forgive myself.
The question I most often ask of myself is "where has God been in all of this?" At what point do I catch a break? At what point does life quit pissing all over me? And what God allows this to happen? I used to find inspiration from people of great faith. Now I find jealousy for those people. I want what they have. I remember what it was like to have that. I had blind faith...the faith of a child...wrapped up. In the bank. But the second my eyes were opened by hurt I lost every ounce of faith I'd ever been able to muster and I haven't gotten it back since.
This is the first blog post I've written where I've been nervous about hitting the "publish" button. At this point, many of you know who I am. While I haven't posted my name on here, I've never really tried to hide who I was. I've also never really gone this deep into the warped inner workings of my mind. I guess the bottom line is that I'm not writing this for people to thing good things about me. I'm not writing it for anyone's approval or encouragement or prayers. I'm writing it because the process of not just putting my thoughts on paper, but of putting them out there for other victims to read and be able to identify with is therapeutic for me. And as few things as I've found to be therapeutic for me, I guess I should probably hold onto the ones I have.
So much about my life is different now from when I first began this blog. So much about my life hasn't changed in the least. I continue to heal. Or to try to heal, I guess. That's probably all I can do at this point. I've changed careers. I've changed work communities. I've lost a lot of friends and quite a bit of respect. I still feel the heartache and hurt every day of what happened. I feel the heartache and hurt every day of the mistakes I've made over the last year. In many ways, I learned what its like to create victims and feel remorse for it. Not victims of sexual abuse, but victims of misplaced trust. There are things we can't take back. Words and actions that can't be erased. I've never really been able to figure out how to forgive David, and now I get to add to that figuring out how to forgive myself.
The question I most often ask of myself is "where has God been in all of this?" At what point do I catch a break? At what point does life quit pissing all over me? And what God allows this to happen? I used to find inspiration from people of great faith. Now I find jealousy for those people. I want what they have. I remember what it was like to have that. I had blind faith...the faith of a child...wrapped up. In the bank. But the second my eyes were opened by hurt I lost every ounce of faith I'd ever been able to muster and I haven't gotten it back since.
This is the first blog post I've written where I've been nervous about hitting the "publish" button. At this point, many of you know who I am. While I haven't posted my name on here, I've never really tried to hide who I was. I've also never really gone this deep into the warped inner workings of my mind. I guess the bottom line is that I'm not writing this for people to thing good things about me. I'm not writing it for anyone's approval or encouragement or prayers. I'm writing it because the process of not just putting my thoughts on paper, but of putting them out there for other victims to read and be able to identify with is therapeutic for me. And as few things as I've found to be therapeutic for me, I guess I should probably hold onto the ones I have.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Penn State and the NCAA
This morning the NCAA announced the penalties that will be imposed on Penn State. This is following the release of the findings of an independent investigation by Louis Freeh. If you haven't read the report, you really should. It can be found here: http://thefreehreportonpsu.com/. The findings were disturbing to say the least, and documented a systematic cover up of known abuse by Jerry Sandusky.
There has been much speculation over the last week about the penalties the NCAA would hand down. Late yesterday, with the announcement that the press conference would be held this morning, that speculation became a little more specific. Many sources reported that the death penalty (the removal of Penn State's football program) was off the table, but that the punishment that would be announced would be quite severe.
Because of my own personal experiences I didn't expect the penalties handed down to be what I felt was adequate. However, I was completely blown away when I watched the press conference this morning.
Penn State will be banned from post season play for four years. In addition, they are immediately losing 10 scholarships, with an additional 70 scholarships being forfeited over the next 4 years. Joe Paterno's wins from 1998-2011 are also being vacated. On it's face, and especially if you aren't a sports fan, this doesn't seem like that much of a punishment. However, what this means is that Joe Paterno is no longer the lifetime NCAA College Football wins record holder. That distinction now belongs to Bobby Bowden. And finally, for me the most important penalty imposed on Penn State, is a $60 million fine that will be paid to the NCAA. The money paid from that fine will be held in endowment for the creation of a national organization dedicated to the prevention of child sex abuse.
I almost couldn't believe it when I heard it. I can imagine the feelings that created in the Penn State survivors. Not only has Sandusky been convicted, there will now be a new national organization dedicated to the awareness and prevention of child sex abuse. I've said from the beginning that my only motivation has been to do whatever I can to prevent this from happening again. Even if it's just one child. The survivors of Penn State, while they have a horrible, heinous wound to live with for the rest of their lives, now also have the thought that the actions they took afterwards will help create an organization that will hopefully prevent the same kind of acts from happening to another child.
It's difficult to feel hopeful in these situations. However, the NCAA just sent a message to not just Jerry Sandusky's survivors, but to survivor's of sexual abuse everywhere. And it's a message we've needed to hear for quite some time.
There has been much speculation over the last week about the penalties the NCAA would hand down. Late yesterday, with the announcement that the press conference would be held this morning, that speculation became a little more specific. Many sources reported that the death penalty (the removal of Penn State's football program) was off the table, but that the punishment that would be announced would be quite severe.
Because of my own personal experiences I didn't expect the penalties handed down to be what I felt was adequate. However, I was completely blown away when I watched the press conference this morning.
Penn State will be banned from post season play for four years. In addition, they are immediately losing 10 scholarships, with an additional 70 scholarships being forfeited over the next 4 years. Joe Paterno's wins from 1998-2011 are also being vacated. On it's face, and especially if you aren't a sports fan, this doesn't seem like that much of a punishment. However, what this means is that Joe Paterno is no longer the lifetime NCAA College Football wins record holder. That distinction now belongs to Bobby Bowden. And finally, for me the most important penalty imposed on Penn State, is a $60 million fine that will be paid to the NCAA. The money paid from that fine will be held in endowment for the creation of a national organization dedicated to the prevention of child sex abuse.
I almost couldn't believe it when I heard it. I can imagine the feelings that created in the Penn State survivors. Not only has Sandusky been convicted, there will now be a new national organization dedicated to the awareness and prevention of child sex abuse. I've said from the beginning that my only motivation has been to do whatever I can to prevent this from happening again. Even if it's just one child. The survivors of Penn State, while they have a horrible, heinous wound to live with for the rest of their lives, now also have the thought that the actions they took afterwards will help create an organization that will hopefully prevent the same kind of acts from happening to another child.
It's difficult to feel hopeful in these situations. However, the NCAA just sent a message to not just Jerry Sandusky's survivors, but to survivor's of sexual abuse everywhere. And it's a message we've needed to hear for quite some time.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
A Crown of Beauty
It's very easy for me to focus on "who I have become" as a father, husband, and friend. What I have been failing to see is that it is not just those specific roles that are affected, but me as a whole. Not me as a father, simply me. I can't change parts of my life or specific areas of my life without looking at the big picture. If I focus on my shortcomings as a husband, but ignore my shortcomings as a boss or employee, I will never become what I was intended to be. However, if I focus on the whole while ignoring the parts, where does that leave me? Overwhelmed and facing an impossible task.
I'm merely human. How could I possibly see the big picture and the dozens of little pictures at the same time? I can't. God alone can. My job is to rely on His guidance to show me which little pictures to focus on to begin rebuilding the entire me. There are so many cheesy analogies or metaphors I could use right now to describe it. Jigsaw puzzles, building a house, painting a picture...but they all cheapen what will serve to be a life changing process.
I've waited for years for God to "fix" me, never realizing in my anger and pridefulness, that God was waiting on me the entire time. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm on the cusp of something big. Not just for me. Deep down, I always knew that God would pull something positive out of all this. I could never admit it to myself, but I knew it. I still don't know what it is, and I know I'm not ready yet either. But I know it's there, and I know God is waiting for the right moment to say "See? I provide for my children. I made you a promise, and I have not forgotten you." Until that time comes, I will continue to relearn how to trust Him again and rejoice that I didn't wait too long to rediscover His love.
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He was sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance for our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion --
To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations."
Isaiah 61:1-4
I first discovered that passage a couple of years ago when I went about halfway through a Beth Moore Bible study called "Breaking Free". I thought I understood what it meant then for me. I selfishly assumed that the passage perfectly encapsulated what I had already done. Reading it now, that couldn't be further from the truth.
What I have chosen to become is not what Isaiah was to the people of Israel. As I read over it again, the burning question of the last couple of weeks, "what am I intended to be", is answered. Well, maybe more "what am I intended to do", not be. This is an exciting time for me. It seems like every day God is showing me something amazing, or giving me an answer I've been pridefully searching for within myself the last few years. I'm still not exactly sure how to change from the person I am to the person God wants me to be, but I know it's becoming clearer every day as God reveals more of His purpose and plan for my life. My prayer now is that I will find that constant reminder throughout the day to help me remember that I am not "David's victim". I am a child of the loving, righteous God.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Parole Granted
"Mr. Pierce was granted parole." The five words that I knew I would hear this morning when I called the parole board, but the words that I have prayed for weeks that I wouldn't hear. I thought I knew how I would handle it when he was released. I'd told myself, others, reporters, that it didn't make any difference to me. That I would have to fight my demons regardless of whether David was in prison or not. I was wrong. I had no idea what this would be like. I'm disgusted. I'm heartbroken. I'm terrified knowing he will do it again when he gets out. This is hard to stomach not just as a victim, but as a father. I can't imagine a monster like David being free in our community again.
I guess it's just par for the course for my life lately. Good things happen, then I get shit on. I know, I can't let it control me, I shouldn't let it get me down, blah blah. I'm tired of it. All of it. Ever feel like your life deserves a redo? I'm sure everyone does at some point.
This will likely be my last post here. The blog has served its purpose. I told my story. It's out there for anyone to read. Not that it matters, or has mattered. Thanks for all the support while I've been writing this. I know there are those of you reading this that are happy to see David being released. That are happy to see me hurting. And I know who you are. Enjoy your lives away from the pain caused by David Pierce. His survivors will be dealing with it for the rest of their lives. Enjoy your families free of the issues caused by a monster like David. Enjoy your job. Enjoy doing something you are passionate about. Enjoy the sense of accomplishment and personal satisfaction you get from what you do. It hasn't been ripped from you by someone hellbent on destruction. Enjoy being able to play the victim when you don't have the first clue what it's like to try and heal from something like this. You get the luxury of turning it off and on. Of being normal when you want to. Some of us carry it with us constantly.
Maybe someday you'll be able to put yourself in my place. Or my parents', or my wife's place, and think about something like this happening to you. Or someone you love. Think about what it would be like having nothing left but those you love and those that love you back.
My only hope is that someone has learned something from my story. How it could have been handled differently. How it could have been prevented. God knows, I learned from my mistakes, as well as the mistakes of others.
I guess it's just par for the course for my life lately. Good things happen, then I get shit on. I know, I can't let it control me, I shouldn't let it get me down, blah blah. I'm tired of it. All of it. Ever feel like your life deserves a redo? I'm sure everyone does at some point.
This will likely be my last post here. The blog has served its purpose. I told my story. It's out there for anyone to read. Not that it matters, or has mattered. Thanks for all the support while I've been writing this. I know there are those of you reading this that are happy to see David being released. That are happy to see me hurting. And I know who you are. Enjoy your lives away from the pain caused by David Pierce. His survivors will be dealing with it for the rest of their lives. Enjoy your families free of the issues caused by a monster like David. Enjoy your job. Enjoy doing something you are passionate about. Enjoy the sense of accomplishment and personal satisfaction you get from what you do. It hasn't been ripped from you by someone hellbent on destruction. Enjoy being able to play the victim when you don't have the first clue what it's like to try and heal from something like this. You get the luxury of turning it off and on. Of being normal when you want to. Some of us carry it with us constantly.
Maybe someday you'll be able to put yourself in my place. Or my parents', or my wife's place, and think about something like this happening to you. Or someone you love. Think about what it would be like having nothing left but those you love and those that love you back.
My only hope is that someone has learned something from my story. How it could have been handled differently. How it could have been prevented. God knows, I learned from my mistakes, as well as the mistakes of others.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
A Report on the Parole Hearing
I've given myself some time to process the whole experience of speaking at the parole hearing. Overall, it was a positive, healing experience for me. In the last 4 years there have been several instances that I feel like I passed up critical, crucial opportunities where I could have spoken up and affected an outcome in one way or another. I couldn't allow another one of those opportunities to pass by.
As I was trying to decide whether I wanted to go speak in front of the board or not, there was one specific even that I kept coming back to, and something that haunted me until I stood in front of the Parole Board. I couldn't get out of my head the meeting with Rick, Dennis and David. I couldn't get past the feelings I felt every time I thought of that one moment when I could've spoken up and prevented another six months of abuse from occurring at FBC. When I stood in front of the Parole Board, the first thing I said was that I honestly had no idea what I was going to say to them. I walked into the room not knowing what I was going to say. I walked up to the podium not knowing what I was going to say. The one thing I did know was that I was not going to pass up another opportunity to try and prevent more abuse from happening.
I explained to the Parole Board my specific reason (beyond healing for me) that I was speaking to them. It had nothing to do with justice, revenge, or vindication. There is nothing that can make me feel like justice has been served for what David did. The things I struggle with every day are there whether David is in jail or not. David staying in jail or being released is not going to make anything easier or more difficult for me to deal with. While the act of speaking in front of the Parole Board may have been a healing experience for me, there is no healing for me if David remains incarcerated. The sole reason David needs to remain in prison is to prevent him from abusing someone else. Given David's lack of remorse, his lengthy pattern of offending, and his ability to keep his actions hidden for long periods of time, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that when he is released, he will abuse again.
I failed myself and many other boys both by waiting to come forward, and by not pushing the issue with FBC. That's something I've dealt with and come to grips with. I know, as I've said before, that I did what I did when I could do it. My only hope is that by being able to be honest both with myself and the Parole Board, that something can take place to keep David incarcerated for as long as possible. If not, I can deal with that because I know that I did everything in my power to keep him where he belongs.
Thank you for the prayers and thoughts on the 24th. They were felt. I wouldn't have been able to say the things I said without them. God was definitely with me. The Parole Board will announce its decision on January 31st.
As I was trying to decide whether I wanted to go speak in front of the board or not, there was one specific even that I kept coming back to, and something that haunted me until I stood in front of the Parole Board. I couldn't get out of my head the meeting with Rick, Dennis and David. I couldn't get past the feelings I felt every time I thought of that one moment when I could've spoken up and prevented another six months of abuse from occurring at FBC. When I stood in front of the Parole Board, the first thing I said was that I honestly had no idea what I was going to say to them. I walked into the room not knowing what I was going to say. I walked up to the podium not knowing what I was going to say. The one thing I did know was that I was not going to pass up another opportunity to try and prevent more abuse from happening.
I explained to the Parole Board my specific reason (beyond healing for me) that I was speaking to them. It had nothing to do with justice, revenge, or vindication. There is nothing that can make me feel like justice has been served for what David did. The things I struggle with every day are there whether David is in jail or not. David staying in jail or being released is not going to make anything easier or more difficult for me to deal with. While the act of speaking in front of the Parole Board may have been a healing experience for me, there is no healing for me if David remains incarcerated. The sole reason David needs to remain in prison is to prevent him from abusing someone else. Given David's lack of remorse, his lengthy pattern of offending, and his ability to keep his actions hidden for long periods of time, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that when he is released, he will abuse again.
I failed myself and many other boys both by waiting to come forward, and by not pushing the issue with FBC. That's something I've dealt with and come to grips with. I know, as I've said before, that I did what I did when I could do it. My only hope is that by being able to be honest both with myself and the Parole Board, that something can take place to keep David incarcerated for as long as possible. If not, I can deal with that because I know that I did everything in my power to keep him where he belongs.
Thank you for the prayers and thoughts on the 24th. They were felt. I wouldn't have been able to say the things I said without them. God was definitely with me. The Parole Board will announce its decision on January 31st.
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